Book nowBook now
0
Your Cart
Your cart is empty. Let's change that!
Shop our productsOops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.
Mismatched libido is a really tricky situation, and one of the most common reasons couples come to see me. It's where one person is wanting sex far more frequently than the other partner.
This tricky dynamic can create a lot of disconnection, pressure and stress on both sides, and it often gets worse over time. This isn’t because anyone is doing something wrong on purpose, but because both partners fall into patterns of behaviour that accidentally make the differences worse, not better.
If you’re the lower-libido partner in your relationship, chances are you’re carrying a lot right now. Maybe your libido has changed, and you’re struggling to desire your partner or want to initiate sex. You can probably see the strain it’s putting on your relationship, and how disconnected your partner is feeling. You might be feeling pressure or guilty about it, or broken, or like something is “wrong” with you.
For many people with a low libido, the topic of sex can start to feel really heavy and stressful. Sometimes it can be so stressful that avoiding the topic altogether feels easier than dealing with the feelings that come up.
If this is you, you’re not alone. Clicking on this article is actually a really big first step. Well done!
Often, when there’s a mismatched libido, there are a few understandable things that low-desire partners do to protect themselves. But these things can accidentally make the mismatched libido feel worse and even more disconnected.
Here are 8 things you might be doing (without realising) that could be making mismatched libido worse.
Ask yourself: When was the last time you initiated a passionate kiss with your partner, jumped in the shower together or offered to give them a nice massage - just because?
Often, people with a low sex drive will start to avoid all forms of non-sexual intimacy because they fear that it might turn into sex when they’re not ready for that.
But when non-sexual touch disappears too, it can make the emotional and physical gap bigger over time. Instead, try to lean forward into non-sexual touch without needing it to lead anywhere at all.
That might look like:
This kind of pressure-free closeness can help your body relax and feel less resistant around touch again. It teaches you how to soften into your partner’s presence and enjoy affection with zero expectations.
When your partner jokes about sex, makes a flirty comment, or reference, it can sometimes feel annoying, tone-deaf, or even hurtful — especially when you’re already struggling. But rolling your eyes, shutting down, or leaning away in those moments can make the disconnection feel even bigger.
Try reframing what they’re doing here. When your partner makes jokes or references to sex, it’s often not about wanting to have sex in that moment. It’s a bid for connection — an attempt to connect with you as a lover, not just a housemate. Those playful comments are often about keeping that erotic connection alive, and reminding themselves (and you) that there’s still desire and chemistry between you.
So when it happens, try to lean towards them instead of away. That might look like smiling, responding warmly, or throwing a light, flirtatious comment back. Most importantly, it doesn’t have to go anywhere. You’re not promising sex, you’re simply staying connected.
When sex feels hard or complicated, it’s easy to start pulling back in other ways. Sometimes resentment quietly creeps in and begins spilling over into other parts of the relationship that you think have nothing to do with sex.
You might find yourself thinking, “I've been telling my partner the sorts of things I'm needing and they know I'm struggling. Why should I keep making an effort?”. That makes sense — especially if you’re feeling pressured, misunderstood, or exhausted.
When you speak your partner’s love language consistently, you learn to connect with each other in the ways that matter most to both of you. Keep leaning forward and showing love in the ways that matter most to the other person — especially when sex isn’t happening. Don’t let your resentment spill out into the other parts of the relationship you treasure.
Talking about sex can feel incredibly overwhelming when you’re already carrying so much pressure around it. So it makes sense that you might want to ignore it altogether.
But in my experience? Ignoring it and hoping it’ll magically fix itself almost always makes it worse.
Sex is a meaningful part of relationships for many people. When it’s left unspoken or unresolved, resentment can build on both sides. Your partner may feel rejected or lonely, and you may feel pressured and misunderstood. Instead of ignoring the problem, try to focus on the positive things.
Some good things to talk about:
If you're experiencing a low libido it makes sense that you’re not masturbating. The way that desire works for sex is that we need to think of it like a fire. We need to be able to give it oxygen, kindling and fuel to help it grow.
Here are some things to try on your own to help light your ‘fire’:
Trying these things is a good place to start reconnecting with yourself without any pressure. This isn’t about performing for your partner. It’s about remembering that this part of you still exists — and gently warming it back up.
Often saying ‘yes’ comes from a place with good intentions. You want to please your partner, you want to give them what they're asking for, and you don't want to have a sexless marriage. But no one is winning when you're having sex out of obligation or when you’re going against your own consent.
Over time, you start desiring sex even less and less because you’ve associated sex with unpleasant experiences. So only say ‘yes’ to sex when you genuinely are feeling it in your mind and body.
It’s important to learn how to say ‘no’ without it causing disconnection between you and your partner.
I’ve created Pillow Play - a collection of fun and educational sex and intimacy games, videos and ideas for couples to help improve their communication, connection and sexual chemistry.
The ‘Yes, No, Maybe Games’ is a great way to practice asking for what you want and learn to hear “yes, no or maybe”. It also helps practice asserting your own boundaries and saying ‘no’ without the fear of repercussions or rejection.
When desire feels mismatched, it can stir up a lot of complicated emotions. But in those moments, try to be mindful not to shame or belittle them for having a higher libido.
Saying things like “You're always horny”, “You're such an animal” or “If you had it your way, you would want every second of every day”, isn’t helpful. Those comments might come out in moments of frustration or defensiveness, but they can make your partner feel embarrassed for their desire, or like there’s something wrong with them.
It’s also important not to dismiss the importance of sex compared to other parts of the relationship. Right now, sex might not be a number one priority for you, and that’s okay. But that doesn’t invalidate the fact that for many people, sex is a meaningful and important way of connecting.
Sex can be many different things to people:
Sex is a really important part of life, self-expression and identity for many people, so don't push your partner further away by belittling or dismissing that part of themselves. Respecting that it matters to them is a powerful way to stay connected.
It can be a really difficult topic to talk about, especially when you’re already feeling so much pressure around it. Even bringing it up might make you feel like your defences go straight up. While that reaction is completely understandable, shutting down or getting defensive can unintentionally push your partner further away. It can leave them feeling unheard, shut out, and alone.
Instead, try practising listening to each other with love and empathy. Slow the conversation down and get curious about what sexual intimacy actually means for both of you.
Even if the conversation doesn’t immediately change how you’re feeling, learning to hear one another is very powerful. Both people need to lower their walls to feel like a team again. When you can understand where the other is coming from before jumping into fixing or problem-solving — that’s when real shifts start to happen.