Power play or power exchange is a kind of kink where you find pleasure in either assuming a more dominant role or surrendering power. This can be subtle (e.g. naturally adopting either a more dominant or submissive role during sex), to more explicit, pre-arranged, and negotiated scenes, such as impact play or bondage.

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If this is something that you want to explore,I recommend playing 'Artist and Muse' in  Pillow Play (my online sex and intimacy games) as a kinky body confidence introduction into power play.

BDSM literally stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism.

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This doesn't mean that you have to be into every aspect of BDSM to still be 'kinky'. Everyone's experience with kink is unique, especially as people explore a variety of kinks, fetishes, power exchanges, roles, and sensations in their own way.

Here are a few reasons why people are drawn to kink:

• The exchange of power can feel freeing, empowering, connective and erotic
• It spices up sex, playing on the thrill of doing something taboo or naughty
• It heightens anticipation, suspense, and sex drive
• It fosters deep trust, sexual attraction, and a sense of partnership.
• It feels physically incredible - it releases lots of chemicals in the brain and body which can lead to feelings of release, euphoria, deep satisfaction and orgasm
• Kink can be profoundly healing
• Allows you  to step into a role you would never otherwise get to play (eg more confident, more surrendered)
• It allows us to think less and feel more

There are countless kinks out there, but here are some common ones:

• Power play and power dynamics (e.g. dominance and submission)
• Power related role play (e.g. age play, pet play , teacher/student , hunter/prey, consensual non-consent, rough sex, choking, edging etc.)
• Masochism and Sadism  (e.g. spanking, impact play, nipple clamps, playing with pain & pleasure etc.)
• Sensation Play (playing with different sensations, temperature play, and strong sensation/pleasure/pain.)
• Bondage (e.g. handcuffs, rope, blindfolds, gags, sensory deprivation etc.)
• Things that feel ‘naughty’ - e.g. voyeurism, exhibitionism, public sex, group sex, pegging
• Humiliation / degradation (e.g. cuckolding, golden showers etc)
• Kinks about specific body parts and/or clothing (e.g. Feet, shoes, boots, lingerie, hosiery etc.)

When it comes to sex, there’s really no such thing as “normal,” and enjoying kinky sex or exploring power dynamics is more common than you might think. Taking the lead or surrendering control are central to many people’s desires, regardless of whether you identify as 'kinky' or not.

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Some also worry that enjoying power play or kink makes them a bad person, but it doesn’t. These desires can seem at odds with daily values, leading to unnecessary shame. Erotism, however, allows us to explore our taboos safely. As long as it’s consensual, liking power dynamics is perfectly healthy and doesn’t change who you are

Many sex therapists and researchers highlight power play and kink as key elements of arousal.

• Sex Therapist Jack Morin’s The Erotic Mind lists “playing with power” and “naughtiness and taboo” as core aspects of human arousal, explaining why kinky sex for can be the  hottest sex of your life.
• Sex Therapist Esther Perel emphasises that eroticism thrives in the space between the familiar and the unknown, making power play both exciting and erotic.
• Somatic sexologist Jaiya’s 5 Erotic Blueprints include “kinky” as a type where people are aroused by taboo and power dynamics.
• Sex Therapist Donald Mosher’s sexual styles include “role,” which focuses on expressing oneself and exploring different identities & fantasies, making power play fun, healing, empowering.

If you're interested in exploring kinky sex but don’t know where to start, here are some tips:

• Educate yourself! Book in a session with a kink educator or sexologist like myself, get my online course, or surround yourself with sex positive resources, books, podcasts and community to get amazing ideas!

• Consent is Key: Always communicate with your partner before trying something new. Ensure you both have enthusiastic consent and discuss boundaries.

• Use Safe Words and Check-Ins: Implement a traffic light system (Green = fun, Orange = unsure, Red = stop) and keep checking in with each other. Consent can be part of the fun!

• Start small - playing with power doesn’t need to be elaborate whips and chains! Begin with simple activities like:
  • Use Your Voice - Try taking the lead during sex by giving assertive commands and making eye contact. Say things like “lie still,” “turn over,” or “look at me.” Notice how it feels to both give / receive these orders.
  • Gentle Bondage - Try light restraints like asking your partner to hold their hands above their head or holding them in place yourself. Reflect on how it felt.
  • Try a blindfold - Enhance other senses by removing sight. This can increase anticipation and enhance the experience of control / surrender. Check out 'Blind sensation play' in Pillow Play to explore using a blindfold and sensation play!
  • Traffic Light Spanking Game: Try this game in Pillow Play that uses safe words (red, orange, green) while spanking each other. Bend over or lie across your partner’s lap to experience what a 'green' spank feels like. Start gently and increase the intensity if you both enjoy it.
• Aftercare: After kinky sex, it’s not uncommon to experience an emotional 'drop' or release. Address both physical and emotional needs after sex with cuddles, a chat, or other comfort measures.

• Debrief: After sex, get in the habit of chatting about what you enjoyed, what you’d like to try next, and anything that would have made it even better! This helps you understand each other’s desires better and enhance your journey together.

• Accept the clunky: Trying something new may feel awkward or nerve-wracking at first, which is completely normal. Allow yourselves time fall into the roles and enjoy how it develops as you become more comfortable!

If you're struggling to tap into your Dominant side, here are a few tips:

• Dress and present yourself in a way that makes you feel confident.
• Slow down, take deep breathes, and give clear, deliberate instructions—rushing can undermine control.
• Focus on your tone and body language; how you say something is just as important as what you say.
• Prepare mentally with a ritual, like a workout or shower.
• Use a blindfold (with consent) to heighten anticipation and give yourself time to plan as your partner is aching with anticipation
• Compliment your submissive—praise kinks are very powerful e.g. “good girl” “thats perfect”
• Less is more—stay present, read their body language, and enjoy the moment.
• Always remember your safe words and keep checking in.

To embrace a more submissive role, consider these tips:

• Dress in a way that makes you feel sexy and desirable.
• Relish the freedom of surrender, letting your mind go quiet as you melt into following instructions.
• Prepare yourself mentally with a ritual like meditation or a long shower.
• Breathe deeply, stay present in your body, and enjoy the sensations—move, make sounds, and touch.
• Focus on how desired/admired your body is by your Dominant.
• Remember your safe words and trust in the experience.

Discussing new sexual fantasies, like kinkier sex, can feel nerve-wracking, but it's completely normal. Here are some tips:

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1. Consent!
Consent is key! Ensure your partner is fully comfortable and enthusiastic about exploring new fantasies. Never pressure them—go slowly, allow time for reflection, and encourage open communication.

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2. Post-Sex Chat
After sex, discuss what you both enjoyed and what you might want to try next. For example, "I loved when you pushed me onto the bed—it made me feel so submissive. Would you like to explore that more?"

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3. Focus on the good stuff and help them understand
Help your partner understand what excites you by explaining your fantasies clearly. Instead of vague requests like "I want you to dominate me," provide specific examples of what would be fun, such as "I’d love it if you tied my hands above my head during sex."

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4. Consider Their Desires
Don’t just focus on your own fantasies—ask about theirs too! If you know they love massages, suggest incorporating sensual rope play as part of an erotic massage.